


Stranded On the Moon

by honeynojam



Category: GOT7
Genre: College AU, GOT7 - Freeform, Got7 Ensemble - Freeform, M/M, Self-Esteem Issues, Side Jinson, Sleep Paralysis, a little pathetic, bts - Freeform, bts ensemble - Freeform, youngjae centric
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-08-24
Updated: 2019-09-23
Packaged: 2020-10-01 19:09:50
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 12,482
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20375473
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/honeynojam/pseuds/honeynojam
Summary: Youngjae has no fanfare, brilliant talents or looks; just any other college student that can tell you about how shitty his life is. Nothing about him shines and he's usually left behind as he entertains possibilities in his head. And that's all it is, the what-ifs in his head. He's fine with that.Mark tests him otherwise.





	1. 001

It wasn’t like it was important or anything, they were just at school. College. You sit around, pay thousands and wish every second you could go home. Yet, he remembers his entire life everyone telling him it will be the time of his life. He’ll meet friends for life, high school will feel like a fever dream and find everything right in life. 

Here, on campus. Somehow here is where his life will be answered and find the beck to his call. 

Yet, as Youngjae sits in his third year 30 pounds heavier than his first, he can’t help but feel the entire thing is a scam. Sure he’s learning. Sure he’s really living it up on his own and finding answers to himself that he never thought possible. But it’s as though the last three years haven’t happened. He’s not ready to leave yet school feels like a drag. 

His phone buzzes and he can’t care enough to be discreet. 

_ u got class rn? _

_ Ya _

_ lunch? _

_ k in 15 _

_ k _

The last fifteen minutes are a blur and he feels more frustrated by the fact that the professor stretched class to the last second practically begging them to pay attention to her about art history that they all but one fuck in the front can’t be bothered to care. Half the class is on their laptops online shopping or texting. 

He gathers his stuff 5 minutes before class ends and sits there with no emotions as the professor said not to pack up to all 25 of them packing up. Really, it’s as though this all isn’t real. Leaving the class through the back door, he navigates through the flood of students to the student union. The few nerds that run to their next class, the majority on their phones as scooters and skaters wizz by. Cliques and their friends congest the walkways by walking side by side each other and Youngjae irritably brushes past them. 

He plops down next to his roommate as promised, thanking him for finding a rare open table. “I fucking hate freshman.” 

“It’ll die down Youngjae. You going to get something to eat?” 

His roommate giggles and Youngjae looks offended. The boy across from him has a radiant smile, clean with a white tee tucked in with a belt and black jeans. Honestly simple but his figure is fit so he looks good in anything. He can always tell when freshman look over at the business major. 

“I hate you, Jimin.” Youngjae clicks his tongue. He’s in his glasses, half his face covered with a cough mask. Hoodie sucking his head and tied by the strings with sweats and slippers. “I hate you and your stupid handsome but a little hurt face.” 

Jimin mocks offense. “You know, I could just leave.” 

He pouts but his words contradict what he wants, “Ok leave and have all the freshies eye rape you without me at your side.” 

Youngjae is average, just plain old youngjae who always looks a little irritated (because he is) and he’s not clueless enough to realize because of his presence, a lot of people don’t approach Jimin. He calls it his ugly face power. 

“They could eye fuck the both of us if you actually tried to get ready instead of waking up 5 minutes before class,” Jimin huffs, pushing his lunch towards him. It’s a healthy mix of salad and chicken breast he made days before. “Come on, eat some and then buy something.” 

“In those lines?” Youngjae shakes his head, grabbing Jimin’s fork and shoving lettuce into his cheeks as he pushes the cough mask under his chin. “When’s Taehyung coming? Don’t you have class soon?”

Of course, his roommate also happens to be socially adept and has a multitude of other friend groups. One of which is his best friend from highschool Taehyung who often comes over to their apartment to hang out. Youngjae often asks if they’re so called _ soulmates _why don’t they live together?

Jimin says distance makes the heart grow fonder. 

Youngjae thinks it’s because Taehyung has a boyfriend. 

“Soon, he’s coming by here and we’ll head off.” Jimin leans over, asking for a bite which Youngjae entertains. 

“You’re the only person I know that meal preps,” Youngjae sighs, picking at his salad and preparing another mouthful for Jimin. “The only person I know who wakes up in time for his 8ams and takes a _ shower _ before hand. _ Blowdries _his hair. Like are you real?” 

His roommate laughs, finishing off his salad that Youngjae practically fed him. “I am real and very much so _ cannot _afford to miss my major classes. If it weren’t for me, you wouldn’t even make it to your 8ams.” 

It’s true, Youngjae sighs as Jimin cleans up his tupperware and wraps it away into a cloth and fork going into a cute little chicks that Taehyung found in some back alley nightmarket. 

Speaking of, Taehyung saunters over to their table. Youngjae hears him before he sees the perfect head of hair appear through the crowd. He’s laughing at whatever his friends say before he part ways with them to bound over. 

He gives Jimin a hug as he stood up, “Jimin! Let’s go to physics!” 

“You have to take physics?” Youngjae scoffs. The image is weird, Jimin the business major and Taehyung the biochem ditz. 

“Crazy isn’t it?” Jimin laughs. 

“Hi Youngjae,” Taehyung gives him a hug too. It’s warm and Taehyung’s long arms makes him feel like taking a nap. “Where you heading off to?” 

“Back to the apartment,” he sighs again, picking up his bag. “Sleep till my evening class.” 

“Rough,” Taehyung scrunches his nose. “You guys wanna grab dinner?” 

“Whose dinner?” Jimin asks. “Taehyung’s version of dinner which is calling Jin-hyung or Youngjae’s Uber Eats Mcdonalds? Because I can’t have take out for a while.” 

Taehyung laughs, “You’re nuts Jimin, you know that? Prim and proper college student who _ doesn’t _eat take out.” 

“How about the both of you go to Jin-hyungs?” Youngjae interrupts Jimin who was about to launch into another earful about how he has to watch what he eats or else he feels like garbage working out. “I probably will get out late.” 

“Ok,” Jimin looks apprehensive about leaving him but Youngjae gives him no room to speak his mind as he starts to leave. “I’ll see you later!” 

Youngjae just waves behind him. 

*

Youngjae has more friends than just Jimin, although they are rare. Since the start of his 3rd year, they all either graduated or are doing their graduates projects. He can’t help but feel left out since none of them are part of his year. He moved up a year by starting school early, but that left him all his life being younger than his graduating class. And it strangely did ostracize him, through one bad experience. 

So needless to say, Youngjae often felt like his family was his most important and the little friends he did have he treated as if they were family. But these days, he can’t help but feel his family home didn’t feel like home anymore and he’s being left behind by others he once would put his life down for. A strange sense of loneliness that isn’t justified, or is it? 

His nap was overheated and too fast. Their little apartment was a studio with one bathroom and a tiny kitchenette. It was enough for just them two. A bunk bed shoved into the corner with their desks facing opposite walls and prints all over them. A huge rack they called a closet and shoes strewn all over at the doormat. Strangely enough, his tough bottom bunk felt like the only place he could find a good night's sleep nowadays through stress and hunger. Jimin on the top bunk with a wide tapestry he received from his ballet years. He’s so efficient, he bought curtain tracks and installed them to the ceiling so he can push and pull the tapestry with ease, hiding away while he sleeps. Youngjae just settled with hanging his jackets and sweaters to cover the opening to his bottom bunk. 

Taehyung bought them bean bags for the small tv Jimin had that sat too low on their cheap tv stand, overloaded with Youngjae’s games and wires strangling each other. He wishes they had air conditioning and for the heater to not cost so much, but they live here. 

Jimin is a thoughtful roommate. He cooks for himself but let’s Youngjae eat whatever he has in the fridge. He also slaps Youngjae’s face every now and then with his skincare and makes them have a relaxing face mask break in the middle of the night. Sometimes they go to Jimin’s hyung’s cafe and have dinner there. Jin always let’s them bring food home. 

Youngjae’s alarms goes off again and he groans, knowing that he’s pushing it by laying there instead of getting up. Getting to class should take about 10 minutes if he’s not rushing, and he now has 12 to make it. 

After an all too familiar debate of dropping out, Youngjae rises and doesn’t even bother with looking in the full length mirror Jimin has put up at the bathroom door and picks up his bag, heading out with his slippers and locking the door before closing it. The jingle of his keys clank on the side of his backpack with a moderate sized dog stuffie his older brother gave him. It’s dirty and shittily sewn up on the side but Youngjae can’t bring himself to toss it. 

He stuffs his earbuds in and ignores all the stares he thinks he gets on campus. It’s only the third day and he already looks like he’s given up. Usually it takes some weeks for students to take on similar attire but Youngjae really is losing motivation. 

Suddenly he feels like he’s breathing to heavily through his nose, it’s hard to find a comfortable breath. His steps are off balanced as though he’s even _ walking _ wrong. It’s an all too similar feeling that he always gets when he goes out by himself and he just _ knows _people can see it. Because he can see it in other people

Thankfully the music starts to make his mind wander and he forgets about how he walks or breaths or what he looks like. Upbeat pop songs make him think about if he were to join Jimin’s dance practices and start going to the gym, or how he would make music like that too. 

Once he gets to the right building, he makes his way to the stairs. It makes him out of breath too quickly and sweaty but he’s too self conscious to take the elevator. As he approaches the room, he grumbles in annoyance realizing how irritating that a _ music major _ has to fulfill a _ math _class in order to graduate. There’s calculators… and other people who do it for a living. Just not him. 

The room is half filled as Youngjae steps in. It’s a huge hall, way bigger than what he’s used to in the tiny music building. The board is at the bottom of the steps, as big as the wall and he vaguely wonders that this is the image people get when they think _ college. _

He takes a seat in the modest middle, right at the aisle so he can get up and leave once that clock hand hits an hour later. The professor isn’t here yet to he decides it’s alright to leave his earphones in for a little longer. All his pocket change when into investing in these little airpod shits, he’s going to use them every fucking day if he can. 

The professor steps in and some students lingering in the hall talking follow as class is going to start. Youngjae clears his ears, takes out a shitty notebook he hadn’t finished up last semester and taps his pen at it knowing barely anything will register and he will cram everything at midterms. 

“Alright class. Welcome to Health Statistics. I’ll be your professor for this semester. And before anyone asks, yes, there is a textbook.” 

*

It’s a full on _ nightmare _. Youngjae thought this class would be fairly interesting. Enough that he wouldn’t have to grovel over everything and learn maybe something useful going into a doctor's appointment or something but it’s just regular statistics. He’s out of his mind. 

Halfway through, he starts nodding off. It came out of nowhere, hitting him like a train and his eye refused to stay open. Every trick of his sleeve doesn’t work. Mints, stretching, water; nothing wakes him up for more than a minute before his eyes feel heavier than steel and his world the most relaxed, lulling him into sweet _ sweet _sleep--

“Hey,” 

That jolts him awake. He sniffs a little too loudly, his eyes snapping open as someone tapped his shoulder to his left. There’s something wet on his lips and he quickly brings his sleeve up to wipe it away. 

It’s his neighbor, some boy he’s never seen before to his left grinning sheepishly. Youngjae can feel his cheeks color. 

“Y-yeah?” he manages to choke out, sounding sleepy even to his ears. They’re far away enough that the professor can’t care. 

“Sorry, I just saw you slipping away,” the boy looks amused, “But I also need an eraser…” 

“Oh,” Youngjae nods. He looks through his sorry pencil pouch with the bottom stained black from when his pen decided to have a freak accident. He could’ve sworn he had an eraser that he took from Jimin but it wasn’t there. “Sorry, I don’t have one.” 

“It’s ok,” he grins. His teeth are all straight and Youngjae can see he clearly has fangs. 

And that was all it was. 

Youngjae can’t help but then notice everything about the boy. He’s wearing this nasty graphic tee and ripped jeans. Chunky shoes that are apparently in fashion and a dad hat that has a rose on the front. A simple HB yellow pencil with the eraser withered away and a beaten jansport backpack. 

Youngjae thinks he looks like _ Jackson _ and it makes him look away. 

The period resumes without missing a beat. He tries to take notes on what he doesn’t understand and some things he does. More importantly, he feels incredibly _ stupid _next to his neighbor suddenly because he makes the mistake of looking over again. The boy has small handwriting, not the neatest but it's like he’s a scribe compared to Youngjae’s chicken scratch. If that wasn’t embarrassing enough, he has way more notes on his paper from the professors email information to basic trig. Youngjae’s got the email, he thinks. 

The professor recites what textbook they should get and then it’s over. Everyone packs up, some people run out and Youngjae is slipping on his earphones when he feels a tap on his shoulder. 

“Hey again,” he starts, licking his lips like he’s nervous. “I… uh, I think this class is gunna be a pain in the ass. You wanna share numbers so we can text answers?” 

Youngjae brightens. Suddenly the boy is a community hero because it’s rare but apparent in later years people take classes with their friends to help each other out. The few lone warriors usually have to fend for themselves and suffer alone, aka oftenly _ Youngjae. _But sometimes he sits near other people and shamelessly invites himself when people start sharing numbers. He doesn’t remember who Charles is in his phone but he remembers it might’ve been for bio. 

“Yeah, of course,” Youngjae takes the boy’s phone he offered and punches in his number and name. “Thanks for asking, I really don’t wanna be alone for this class.” 

“No kidding,” he entertains, taking his phone back when Youngjae’s done. “I’ll send you a quick text right now so you know it’s me. Hopefully we make it out of alive.” 

“Tell me about it,” Youngjae all but swings his bag over his shoulders, already moving to leave. “See ya.” 

“See you.”

Outside he feels a vibration in his pocket and happily saves the number. 

_ Hey! This is Mark from Health Stats. Ill b ur partner in crime for this sem Youngjae! _

*

That class was the last of it’s week and Youngjae comes back to the apartment with take out on his desk and a snoozing Jimin who has his fairy lights on around the polariods he’s put up at his bunk. It’s pork belly with rice and tastes like heaven even cold after a whole day of no food. Except that mouthful of lettuce he had with said roommate. He passes out after a shower and furious teeth brushing. 

Then it’s saturday afternoon. He finds himself seated at some popular cafe for reading a bus ride away with his friends Jinyoung and Jackson. The two are bickering whether to order the souffle pancake as savory or sweet. 

“Oh my _ god _just get both,” Youngjae whines, kicking his feet at their small table. He’s been sipping water for the past ten minutes. 

“Can it otter face,” Jinyoung snides, pointing at the nutella banana picture. “_ Jackson _, we are getting this one.” 

“Don’t talk to our cutie otter like that!” Jackson dramatically gasps, covering Youngjae’s ears with his palms. “He doesn’t deserve that sort of treatment. Only the best from us hyungs.” 

Jinyoung lifted a brow, “Just two minutes ago you were complaining about how much of a fox he was for tricking you to paying the bill at that hot pot place.” 

“Oh right!” Jackson lifts his hands away, looking again attacked but now at him. “You conniving little shit!” 

“Please just put food in me because that’s the only reason I’m here,” Youngjae pouts, ignoring the both of them. “I don’t wanna pay, hyung!” 

“We know,” Jinyoung rubs his fist into Youngjae’s head as he yelps, giving a punch in reply. “That’s why Jackson should just let us have something sweet with our tea that _ he _ chose.” 

“Do you know how many calories and preservatives nutella has, Jinyoungie?!” 

“I’m about to find out when I buy a whole tub of it because we can’t eat it even _ outside _ our house.” 

“You wouldn’t dare!” 

Youngjae rolls his eyes as they bicker some more. At first glance, you’d think they’re performers doing a bit but it’s their filthy way of flirting with each other. He sits through being the third wheel to his friends because he was promised free food and honest friend time. He was craving it, even if he won’t admit it out loud. But he’s jealous of Jimin and Taehyung, jealous of how Jimin is open and friendly and _ good looking _. Kind, cute, funny, sexy, talented--

“Youngjae?” 

He blinks out of his musings, looking at Jackson and Jinyoung who are both looking too concerned. Even if he’s the third wheel and the annoying little brother to them, even if he’s mooching off of them _ again _, they are perceptive and kind. 

“Yea?” he tries to sound annoyed but is doing a bad job at it. “So did you guys decide?”

“Is there something bothering you?” Jackson asks instead. “We’ll listen.” 

Youngjae rolls his eyes, “As if anything bothers _ me.” _

Jinyoung catches it though, even if he’s lying through his teeth he always does. “I know me and Jackson are going to be busy this semester but you can always hang out with us. We’ll take you out for dinner.” 

“If you replace Bob, I’ll even treat you to hot pot again--OW what?! Hit me!” 

Youngjae slaps at Jackson’s arm, “I’m fine. Just… a little daunted. And hungry.” 

“Hungry,” Jinyoung repeats, he has that face on. “Jackson go order both pancakes.” 

“Why me?”

“Jackson,” Jinyoung smiles and he can see him stiffen. “Go order.” 

“Yes sir,” Jackson salutes and patters off to rattle at the cashier. 

He turns back to Youngjae, who is about to squirm out of his seat and make some sorry excuse for the bathroom. “I’m not kiddin. We can always hang out, I’ll even drag Jaebum-hyung out of his cave so we can go out. I’m sorry about not thinking of you first…” he pauses when Youngjae sags his shoulders, about to refute when Jinyoung continues. “I know when me and Jackson got together we… we really just got tunnel vision. Summer, you know? There was so much time and I got caught up in Jackson’s energy, and...and”

“It’s ok, hyung,” Youngjae stops him. He laughs a little, quiet and light, “Jackson’s ‘_ good vibes only’ _ mood is powerful. And you shouldn’t be feeling guilty for going on dates. That’s so stupid.” 

Jinyoung hugs him, it’s tight and warm; Youngjae relishes it while it lasts. He doesn’t hug often but goddammit through his complaining he still likes it, he just won’t admit it. “I’ll always be here for you, Youngjae.” 

“Okay,” is all he could muster. 

“I want to join the hug too! Don’t leave me out!” announces Jackson’s return and they all laugh. 

*

It’s 3am, or something like that. Youngjae’s too afraid to open his eyes. He can clearly move, he knows he can move but all the fear makes him stay in the same spot. A sticky, nasty feeling curls in his stomach and skin; he tries to convince himself it’s just sweat but it feels like shadows crawling over each hair on his body. As if someone was running their nails over his skin and he braces for the worst to come. 

A high pitched screaming rings through his ears. It prolongs with agony as he’s frozen in place, afraid to move a muscle, afraid of showing his fear. As if the moment he allows _ whatever _ to know he’s awake, it’ll get worse. It’s loud, freakish and makes him shake as he tries to ground himself. He can’t breathe, his lungs hurt. His entire chest feels like it’s caved in and pushing his body into the mattress. Forcing himself to think of song lyrics, to ignore, of his good time with Jackson and Jinyoung, _ to ignore the screams. _

He tries not to think about how it’s witching hour and after what feels like a prison sentence, the screaming fades. But he stays completely still, as though it’s still in the room. Feeling returns to his fingers that were clenched hard, his bitten nails ragged against his palms. Finally he could breathe, air sweet to his chest. His head feels fuzzy and he dares to open his eyes. 

The first thing to greet him, instead of a demon, is Jimin’s soft fairy lights tinkling through the crack between their beds at the wall. It paints his vision with liquid copper, bringing his hand up against the wall. It’s cold, it grounds him. 

Fear leaves his nerves, he gathers himself a shaking breath to sit up and find his earbuds to jam them into his ears. This isn’t his first rodeo show and he quickly finds his favorite song to put on repeat. His phone blares angrily at his eyes, the clock announcing good morning at 4am. 

*

Monday night, and Jimin is telling him the events at his dance club. He pours his heart into that club, also part of the swim team but only casually. Taehyung has a date tonight so Youngjae gets to spend his evening with the one and only Park Jimin. 

“And this freshman just walks up and says ‘Ya I can totally make it’ to _ me _Youngjae! The fucking nerve he had to even try, to even say that!” Jimin complains, yelling as he’s turning with his remote even though he has analogue controls on. 

They’re playing Mario Kart, per Jimin’s request, and Youngjae is like a stone in his beanbag. The only thing moving are his fingers and eyelids while Jimin is flinging his body with the turns. He gets bored of winning so Youngjae has fun lagging behind, getting good items to mess with Jimin. 

“Was the freshman good?” Youngjae asks, as he flings a green shell, cutting the turn and hitting Jimin with scary precision. 

His roommate yelps, glaring daggers at him, “He was good for a _ freshman _. And there’s no competition! We accept everyone who applies basically. It’s just like events or stuff we put the people who are definitely into dancing on stage. You know? We weren’t asking for like, a hazing or whatever.” 

“Yeah,” Youngjae smirks as he triple red shelled three different CPUs and then held a banana to trip Jimin with, winning 1st. “For the next practice you should completely show him up. And wear those tight joggers, bet he’ll just drop to his knees after that.”

“Youngjae!” Jimin slaps him as he laughs loudly. His face is red, “That is _ not _ the point of my story.” 

“Could’ve fooled me.” 

“I am _ not _ looking for dick at the moment, thank you.” 

“Hmm....”

“Youngjae!” 

He laughs, putting his controllers away since Jimin is handing him the two little switch motes at him. They had a heavy dinner of pasta that Youngjae put together from Jimin’s groceries.

“Alright, let’s sleep,” Youngjae yawns, stretching upwards and sets his glasses on his desk. “8ams tomorrow.”

Jimin snorts, “Yeah, that your human alarm clock here will get up. Don’t worry.” 

“Shut up and brush your teeth.” 

They finish up their night routine and lay in their respective bunks. Jimin throws him a face mask and threatens him if he doesn’t use it he will break his keyboard. 

“So what happened with you today?” Jimin mumbles, his mouth restrained by the face mask. Youngjae can just see he’s using that ice face roller on his chin and a hair roll on his bangs. 

“Eh nothing much,” he shrugs, kicking his blankets so his feet can stick out. “Music theory is fun. Concert band is practicing for another show… and I might be joining marching band if they need a snare.” 

“Really?!” Jimin excitedly jumps making the bunk rock and he yelps. “You? In marching band?” 

“I know, a fucking circus,” Youngjae sneers but his cheeks warm. “I’m not even that good at snare. Honestly could toot a trumpet better ...probably.” 

“Still, that’s so cool! I’d actually go to a football game if you play in it.” 

“Thanks, I’ll let you know what happens.” 

“What’s up with another concert? Are you gunna play piano again?”

“No,” Youngjae says too quickly. Swallowing his spit, suddenly it feels like his mouth produces too much and his tongue feels muffled. “I’ll probably fill in as a vocal in the choir or something.” 

“Oh, that’s too bad. Can’t you do both?”

He thinks, “I’m not good enough to do both.” 

“Oh please, I love you on piano.”

“More than Yoongi?” 

That shuts Jimin up. He knows he’s being a dick for making his roommate choose between friends but he can’t help it. He’s really cynical. “Sorry,” Youngjae mumbles. “Ignore me.” 

“Yoongi doesn’t even--”

“Goodnight Jimin.” Youngjae turns in his bed, peeling the face mask off maybe a bit too early. 

There’s a pause and then Jimin turns on his fairy lights. It’s soft, “Goodnight Youngjae.” 

*

8am is too early to function. Youngjae may have said goodnight but he stayed on his phone for a good two more hours scrolling social media and listening to music videos he’s watched a hundred times. 

Jimin has already shoved a ton of dry shampoo into his roots, his glimmering blond hair still looking fresh from the recent dye. He’s got on a nice white shirt again with a little cat on the pocket tucked into his washboard jeans. Artfully ripped up and his ultraboosts on that he swears it’s like walking on heaven. 

“Youngjae, you’ve got to get up now,” Jimin huffs, shaking him for the tenth time this morning. “Come on, let’s walk to campus together.”

“‘Kay,” is all he could muster with his sleep laced throat. He reaches for the water bottle squeezed between the bed and the wall and drinks greedily that he chokes. 

He gets up and brushes his teeth, switching his shorts that he flings onto his bed with a pair of joggers and a hoodie. Slapping on deodorant, he’s waiting outside their apartment in slippers as Jimin grabs his hydroflask and locks the door. 

They walk to campus quietly. Jimin’s on his phone while Youngjae hums softly to the music in his ears, his slippers smacking against his heels. He’s grateful he can walk with Jimin, because it makes him feel less lonely. Having a person beside him that he trusts gives him comfort. And Youngjae isn’t thinking about if he walks funny, how he’s breathing or if he looks funny. 

“Let’s grab lunch together?” Jimin asks as they’re about to part ways. He’s off to the scary looking business building while Youngjae is heading towards the small music quad. “You have class until noon right?” 

“Yeah,” Youngjae waves goodbye. 

“Ok, I’ll grab something from home for you.” Jimin waves back, heading off. 

His only 8am this semester is actually to TA the freshman’s piano course. It’s more about learning how to write and read music while using the piano, a little bit about music history but Youngjae enjoys it all the same since it’s easy and comfortable. He started TAing the class last semester and it was fun with the professor he liked. He had taken him about three times by now in different levels. 

Thanks to Jimin, he’s a whole 5 minutes early. Sitting at the front, he stays on his phone after he greets Professor Kim. 

Once class starts, Professor Kim introduces the class to everything it entails, including Youngjae the TA and if anyone was trying to add. Last week he had cancelled class on their thursday since he was returning from abroad somewhere, hence this was their first class. He takes roll swiftly after that but easily gets flustered by the beginning. 

“Kun….Kunpin?” Professor Kim looks sorry as he looks up, “Ah I’m sorry, I’m butchering your name. Kunpi mook Bwa ul?” 

A hand raises and people look over to the kid at the piano beside the door. “You can just call me Bambam professor.” 

“Bambam,” Professor Kim looked relieved as Youngjae notes the students name in his laptop notes. “Thank you.” 

Roll moves smoothly after that. He explains lightly about how music was started to be commissioned during whatever era Youngjae honestly can’t remember either but mozart’s name was thrown here and there. Then they push some buttons on the keyboards they have. “Pianos” if you will. 

“TA-nim…” 

Youngjae turns his head as he walks around helping here and there. It’s the student from roll, and he strides over. “Hey what’s up?” 

“Er,” Bambam starts, unsure on himself. “Could you help me read this? I’m not quite sure what it means.” 

The boy is pointing at the small font above the first measure on their little music sheet handout and he’s surprised the boy even asked about that. They were going to go over it next class. “That reads _ Andante _ which means like, walking speed. Play with a pleasant mood.” 

“What?” Bambam tilts his head. “Walking speed?” 

“As if you are playing to the beat of your walking pace,” Youngjae too is a little confused by andante sometimes but whatever. He tries his best to look confident. 

Bambam buys it, smiling and resumes playing. “Okay, I like that. Thanks.” 

By the end of class, Youngjae is called over by Bambam more than a couple of times, asking about harder chords to play or terminology that hasn’t come up yet. It’s clear this isn’t his first piano party and Youngjae enjoys explaining piano to someone who knows more than what a C is. 

“Hey, could I have your number?” Bambam asks as the class packs up. “I wanna ask about more music stuff… but I don’t have many friends. You know, international student and all.” 

“Sure,” Youngjae slaps his back as he takes the younger’s phone. “Text me anytime, for anything. Lunch too if you wanna treat.” 

Bambam laughs, and looks back at his phone when he returns it. “Youngjae….hyung?” 

He laughs, “See you later Bambam.” 

*

He slept through art history. It’s too boring and not enough stimulus as he struggles through monotone lecture in a dim room. Taking pictures of his neighbors notes, he meets Jimin up in the SU again for lunch, this time with Taehyung joining the table. 

“Is there dance practice today?” Taehyung asks through his burger. Youngjae sneers, wanting one too but he’d gain weight so fast, he’s already more than he wanted to be. Jimin understands his plight as he gives a bit of his salad to Youngjae. 

“Yeah,” Jimin answers, sighing. “I’m a little scared of that freshman.” 

“The tall one?” Taehyung seems to have heard Jimin’s complaining too. A knowing smirk on his lips. “The _ handsome _ one?” 

“Shut up!” Jimin all but shrieks, covering his friend’s greasy mouth and pulls back in disgust. “You are so much.” 

“For you maybe,” he returns with a wink. “What do you think, Young chicky?”

“Don’t call me that,” Youngjae shakes his head. “I think Jimin should give him a good ol’ smack down. You know? An upperclassman greeting, like, hello bitch; fuck you.” 

“I will _ not _beat up a student,” Jimin’s appalled by his two friends. “How’d I end up with the most ridiculous friends. You know Jin-hyung would never.” 

“Neither would Jaebum-hyung, but he always acts like he’s ready to beat someone up,” Youngjae flaps his hand. “Just show him how good you are at dancing, it’ll shut that freshman up.” 

“Or get him hard.” 

“Taehyung!” they both scream at him. 

“Ok ok,” Taehyung balls his wrappers up, licking his fingers after he finished his fries. Jimin scrunches his nose and Youngjae pulls out a wet nappie for him. “Let’s get to class chicky.” 

“You give me and Youngjae the same nickname,” Jimin sighs. Following to the trashbin as Youngjae lags behind. 

“You’re chicky, and he’s Young chicky,” Taehyung looks like he’s talking the most basic form of language known to man. “Duh.” 

“_ Duh _,” Youngjae repeats back to him, sniding. “See you guys later.” 

Jimin gives him a quick hug, “See you back home. Text me if you’re bored!” 

*

He sweats as he enters the class because through his laziness, hanging out with his friends and playing video games he completely forgot to buy the textbook for this class. Music class was easy because he just borrows from what Jaebum and Yoongi had before and it made him too comfortable with remembering these things. 

Sitting down, Youngjae fidgets his fingers seeing almost everyone have a textbook. Friends sharing and laughing at their phones. It gives him a pinch in the stomach and he puts his attention to trying to find an online pdf ver if possible, though he highly doubts he’ll get anything but a russian virus. 

“Hey.” 

Snapping his head up, it’s Mark from last time; smiling sheepishly at him as he takes a seat next to Youngjae again. He hopes he doesn’t smell. 

“Hey…” Youngjae begins, not wanting to push his plight to his neighbor yet. But Mark looks at his screen and laughs. 

“Forgot about the textbook?” he laughs, it’s hearty and on the top of his throat but Youngjae finds himself forgetting to reply. 

“Uh huh,” he closes the laptop. “Do you have it? It’d help a ton if you shared with me.”

Mark ponders a bit, digging through his backpack only to pull out his ratty old HB pencil. “I was hoping you got it.” 

Youngjae whithers, “Oh fuck…” He was in his third year and yet _ this _is what gets him close to breaking. A stupid textbook. 

But Mark blinks at him and immediately pales. “N-no, wait I’m joking. I have it, I have it. Don’t… don’t look like the world is ending, please. I was just pulling your leg.” 

His breath is caught in his throat as Mark just crosses over into his space and gives him a hug. “Just a joke, promise I have it, Youngjae.” 

“I’m,” Youngjae gathers his composure. “Oh my god you asshole, I thought we were both fucked!” 

Mark laughs, pulling away and Youngjae looks away so fast he thinks it’s the fastest he’s moved all week. “Sorry, I just thought a little goof would brighten your day. Not ruin it.” 

“It’s fine,” Youngjae huffs, blinking away his sudden wave of fear. He doesn’t care but things like this get him blindsided, like he’s an idiot for forgetting simple things. “I’m just stupid.” 

The response isn’t what he expected. Usually most students just remorse over similar things like not being good enough or joking they’ll drop out. Humble bragging in the end. But it seems like Mark isn’t like that. 

“You aren’t stupid. The fact that you get up every morning, go where you need to, do what you want; it’s all strength that we take for granted. Being smart doesn’t mean you remember everything, but know when _ you _are needed.” 

Youngjae blinks owlishly at him, slowly processing his words. Then, it hits him who he’s looking at. 

It’s Mark, his classmate he’s only met once but _ fuck _ anyone who shows him a little bit of kindness gets him attached. His thoughts speed past his mind before he can even stop them. He thinks in layers, the top one unfiltered and lighting up at every possible possibility. The second layer reads all the cons, his insecurities and his faults; how everything can go wrong and he’s not good enough. And the final layer, deep within all of these, reprimands himself. As if he’s conscious of his own thoughts and somehow is controlling them so he can think what he wants. It’s confusing, it’s invigorating and frustrating. 

First, he realizes Mark is being nice to him. 

His cheeks flare. 

Seconds he looks down as Mark pushes the textbook between them, smiling sweetly at him and said “Let’s share, okay?” 

Three words that stuck to Youngjae’s brain as he nods dumbly, pulling out his old notebook. 

Third, his mind plays with the possibility before he can stop it. 

_ You like him. _

_ He’s cute. _

_ You’re not. Not good enough, not pretty enough. You’re crash, you’re ugly, you’re singing is just a wailing sea lion who claps at nothing. You can’t play piano, you’re talentless. _

_ Stop playing the victim. Stop thinking all of this to give yourself pity. You’re normal you’re normal you’re normal You’re _

“Thanks,” Youngjae says, looking down at the words as the professor goes on about the first lesson. He can’t meet Mark’s eyes. 

It’s only the second time he’s even talked to Mark and he’s ruined it for himself already. 


	2. 002

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Youngjae’s Schedule 
> 
> Mon/Wed:   
12:00-1:30pm Music Theory  
3:00-5:50pm Concert Band  
Tues/Thurs:   
8:00-9:10am TA Beg Piano  
11:00-12:10pm Art History I.  
6:00-6:50pm Health Stats  
Everyday: 6:00pm~9pm Marching Band
> 
> Jimin’s Schedule
> 
> Mon/Wed:   
9:00am Gym  
11:30-12:30pm Anth Human Behaviors  
1:30-2:45pm Money Management  
4:00pm-6:00pm Dance Practice(club)  
Tues/Thurs:   
8:00-9:10am Accounting/Controls Systems  
9:30-11:00 Gym  
1:00-2:20pm Physics  
~3:00-4:00 Dance Practice(optional)   
Fri:   
10:30-12:30pm Swim Practice

Youngjae gets attached to things easily. If something just hits all his tastes, he gets attached and  _ loves _ it. He doesn’t trust himself to have self control when he’s around things he likes. Suddenly his wallet is empty and happiness faded, he needs  _ more.  _

It gets increasingly difficult when he wants to be the  _ best  _ at something. Because he can’t. He will never be the best, there’s always someone better. It’s like he realizes he just likes things and should stay on the sidelines. He desperately wants to be on top, but that nagging voice in his head berates him constantly. 

So when it comes to  _ people _ it makes him crazily loyal. When Youngjae makes a friend, he stands by them. He gives you everything he has and loves unconditionally. Because he expects you’ll do the same back. 

Growing up, he became more cynical. Hating on couples, people who love things publically, people who have confidence or basically anyone in general. He seeks out qualities he hates about himself in others so he can hate them for some reason. Convinces himself to hate them so he won’t get attached, wont make more friends that take advantage of him. Won’t meet people who will leave him in time because he’s simple, ugly, stupid--

All his friends from high school? He can’t connect with them anymore. It’s not like he hates them completely, but whenever he catches up on social media or sees a friend group he used to be a part of for a little bit, hanging out and having fun without him; he’s filled with a disgusting feeling. He realizes that he was never really a friend to begin with. He’s not first in their minds, even though Youngjae thinks about them. They don’t remember his birthday, but he remembers all of theirs.  _ It’s not fair.  _

Childhood friends? He moved out of town in the middle of high school. It explains why his childhood friends dropped him and his new high school friends don’t think of him at all. 

It’s sick. It’s twisted. It’s normal, it’s life; Youngjae’s lonely _ .  _

He met Jinyoung in some english class they had to take. The older was so good at literature for a computer engineer. If anything, it was Youngjae’s first year and he was miserable and sleep deprived he slept through most of the classes. Jinyoung was like a shining angel, giving him nudges to keep him awake (though unsuccessful) and the study guide. They became friends because Jinyoung gave him some water when he couldn’t stop coughing from a 2 week cold and pink eye. 

It wasn’t pretty. 

They hung out to study, going off topic a lot and talking about anything most of the time. Things changed when Jackson came one day to hang for lunch too. Youngjae’s first thought was that he was the most annoying person he’s ever met. At the end of their meal, Youngjae was jealous of his overwhelming confidence and deep talks. 

When he went back to his dorm that night, struggling to sleep because of his shitty roommates, he thought of Jackson and his kindness. Which led to his mind wandering and Jackson’s handsome. Jackson’s fit. Jackson is fucking  _ amazing.  _

And that’s all it takes for Youngjae to get a crush. 

He thinks about being in a relationship. About holding hands or cuddling. Thoughts make him squirm in discomfort on the outside, but he desperately wants to experience. Everytime they hang out, Youngjae hates on Jackson. As if it’ll make his affection go away. He hates his charming laugh, his overflowing charisma, his athleticism. 

Which is why he notices Jinyoung. The way Jackson makes Jinyoung laugh like no one else can. Jinyoung’s radiance, his reactions. Youngjae had faintly wondered that Jackson and JInyoung looked so cute together. He’s suddenly in the way, suddenly he hates Jinyoung for no reason. He’s just Youngjae and nobody wants just Youngjae. 

When they announced their relationship to him earlier this year, before summer, he wasn’t surprised. Who would want him anyways? He alienated himself, he stopped going out. Summer wasn’t any help either. Left to himself, his own thoughts, increasing sleep paralysis (he thinks). His little crush dissipated. All he could think of is how he has nothing to his name. Without him reacting enthusiastically, without his empty promises he says to comfort people, being the last person to be thought of but always responds; he’s nothing. Once he’s accepted that fact about himself, it got easier. He prioritized being a friend instead. 

Jaebum was his TA for some music class and wow coincidentally was Jinyoung’s roommate. He graduated now, but for Youngjae’s second year it was fun to hang out with all three of them most days. Triple J, and Young J. 

*

_ Do u know the answer to #25? I think i did it but  _

Which is why his sudden crush on Mark comes as a shock to him. He doesn’t  _ want  _ to look at his stats partner like that, he doesn’t want to move on from Jackson so quickly. Makes him feel like he’s at the supermarket just picking up things he likes and putting them back. Because that’s what he thinks other people are doing to him. 

_ idk im so confused. heres my guess [pic]  _ Youngjae replies

_ o same [pic]  _

_ ig its right then? _

_ ya must b _

_ k  _

Youngjae sighs at his desk. It’s an early 11pm and he just finished stats hw after a grueling hour crawl. He could’ve honestly finished within 20 minutes but he kept changing music, messing with Jimin, fixing a new cup of tea, or scrolling twitter for the nth time. 

Mark had just started apparently. He explained that he was out doing errands and just got back home. Nothing else and Youngjae’s blushing at the fact that Mark would even tell him what he did earlier. 

“What are you smiling about over there?” 

Jimin’s desk is on the other wall; they are in the other corner opposite their bed. It’s easy to just turn around and look at each other. He’s staying up texting probably Taehyung and watching a show. He already finished his work. 

“Nothing” Youngjae wipes his face quickly. Shutting his phone off and lugs his keyboard closer to him. “Just listening to my favorite song again.” 

“Uh huh,” Jimin doesn’t look convinced but he stands up. “Brush teeth.” 

“Later.” 

“You’re gunna forget.”

Youngjae sulks, sinking back into his seat and procrastinating on his music. He should be practicing on his drum pad, or mixing something for practice. But on his screen loads an emulator for golden sun that he suddenly wanted to play. 

“I won’t,” he lies, tapping play while Jimin snorts with a toothbrush in his mouth. 

Jimin refuses to speak while brushing his teeth so Youngjae settles with pixel music playing in his headphones. He loves his desktop build so much that he put the tower on his desk and a whole set of white LEDs with a little figma inside. The build made his wallet skinny he thinks as he clicks away, but no one was there to stop him over the summer. 

“What are you playing?” Jimin says after he spits into the sink, running water following as he hears the mouth wash uncap. 

“Golden Sun,” Youngjae grunts out, watching the screen move across the scenery revealing Isaac in the storm. “Old.”

Youngjae doesn’t like the sound of gargling but Jimin stays true to his 30 second swishing. “I think my brother played that.” he says after he spits it out. 

“Mm,” he hums, sliding down his chair some more, looking ridiculous with his legs bend, feet flat on the floor, chin tucked into his chest and arms out clicking the keyboard. 

“Oh my god, sit up you lazy ass,” Jimin slaps on his shoulder as he passes by, climbing into his bunk. 

But Youngjae doesn’t make a move. His phone buzzes.

_ Finished! Here’s what i got [pic] [pic]  _

_ wow [pic] _ _   
_ _ wat i have _

_ Thanks! Goodnight Youngjae _

His heart skips, he sits up quickly and coughs. Reaching for his water cup and spilling onto his chest as he sips. Youngjae reads over the text again and again, realizing he has yet to reply. 

Closing the rom, then shutting down his desktop, he throws his phone into the bunk and runs to the bathroom to brush his teeth. Not as methodical as Jimin, he scrubs at his back teeth more than the front and quickly picks at his gums with floss before swishing his mouth one last time as he brushes his tongue. 

Climbing into bed is quick grabbing his phone and plugs it in, making sure his earbuds are nearby in his bedside pouch. 

“Changed your mind?” Jimin quips and he jumps, thinking he was already asleep. 

“You bring the good out of me,” he mumbles, opening his phone again and the offending text glares back at him. 

Jimin scoffs, he’s ice rolling his chin again. “Is it because of who you’re texting?” 

Youngjae chokes on his spit, locking his screen even though Jimin can’t see it. “ _ No.”  _

“Mhmm,” is all he gets and Youngjae just knows he’s smiling all giddy. “Are you gunna go for that snare position?” 

“Maybe,” Youngjae glances at the drum pad in the dim light. He opens his phone again. 

_ Goodnight Youngjae.  _

“Maybe not,” Youngjae sets his alarm, not replying since it’s too late. He’s waited too long, the text was already read. Mark is over it, over their conversation. 

He smiles, a goodnight. 

“Goodnight Jimin,” Youngjae pokes his feet out from his blanket and turns to his side smiling. 

*

Bambam is really good at playing something he's familiar with. The same notes, same patterns he's been hacking at all period or some song he really likes. But new chords and songs trip him up, like his fingers suddenly forgot what the keyboard was, fumbling for the day. 

Youngjae likes to hover around him. It's not very hard to figure out that he favors Bambam a lot more than anyone else because he's the only student who actually talks to him. Even though they’re both struggling in this horrid 8am course, Bambam constantly lamenting to him doesn’t help but they get by. 

“When did you start learning piano?” Bambam sighs, leaning back as far as he can on the bench.

Youngjae sits next to him, picking at the lower bars. “Not that long ago, I started in high school.” 

“Really?” Bambam sits up. “I’d think you started in like, a child.” 

He snorts at the younger’s words. “No, I was forced into a music class and ended up loving it.” 

Bambam nodded, going back to practicing his little song they’ll have to present next class. Youngjae took the time to ask him questions and bug him, “Why did you sign up for this class?” 

“My mom likes music,” he stalled his fingers, now talking and playing at the same time making his brain process slower. “I like music too and music, I mean video. Something new I want to learn and who knows, maybe it’ll help in the future.” 

“It’s likely if you want to make music,” Youngjae muses. “It’s good to know notes and identify the terminology.” 

“The what? Termino...lo?”

“The music language.” 

Bambam purses his lips, “ _ The Music Language. _ ” 

Youngjae laughs and the professor signals for the class to start wrapping up and the homework assignment. He stands to quickly jot it down on the board in case anyone didn’t catch him as they all start packing up. 

“Hyung,” Bambam jumps up to him as he just finished shoving his workbook away. “I’m meeting a friend I met in the dorms for breakfast now, do you wanna meet up with me?” 

“Eh?” Youngjae blinks for a second, not understanding Bambam at all. “Breakfast?” 

“Yeah, you know, the most important meal of the day?” 

“Where’d we go?”

“The dining commons, duh?” 

Youngjae blinks again. “I, I don’t have a meal plan.” 

“It’s fine,” Bambam laughs. “I’ll get you in. Do you have class soon?” 

He thinks for a bit, “No I have one in 2 hours or so.” 

“Ok then come with me!” 

That’s how Youngjae finds himself sitting in the same cafeteria he sat in like all overs in freshman year. Shitty food smell wafting through the place, strangely sticky seats and probably unclean spoon with his already soggy cereal. Bambam is across from him with a taller student, both laughing their head off at  _ something _ which Youngjae definitely did not catch. 

They had introduced each other earlier but he had already forgotten Bambam’s friend’s name. 

“Anyways, what are you studying, Youngjae-hyung?” his friend asks, shoving another hashbrown into his mouth. “Bambam always crashes into my room saying a whole bunch of stuff about Youngjae-hyung this or youngjae-hyung that.” 

He nearly blushes at that comment and puts his spoon down. “I study music… I wanted to be a singer but thought that studying this way would be more stable. Or whatever.” 

“Yugyeom!” Bambam supplying the name again and Youngjae is grateful. “Anyways, I wanted us to all be friends since you know, the dorm is full of inbreds.” 

Yugyeom nods in agreement, “Yeah I can’t handle the rest of them… It’s been two months already. Halloween is approaching. Everyone’s so annoying.” 

“How bad is it?” Youngjae asks, trying to finish up his cereal. He usually doesn’t eat breakfast and suddenly his stomach feels very cold. 

“So bad!” Bambam cries, pushing his plate away. He looks around quickly and says in a hushed voice, “My roommate is a  _ menace _ . I hate him!” Yugyeom’s nodding in agreement and he continues, “Like, Yugyeom’s roommate dipped like two weeks ago so he’s a single now and I just crash at his place… Honestly gunna request a room change.”

“ _ How lucky _ ” the older sneers, remembering his  _ great  _ time with a shitty roommate back in first year too. But in a sense, he also had a saving grace but decides to leave that out for the two of them to lament. “You should just request, they probably will approve it with nothing else to do.” 

“Bambam has so many clothes though!” Yugyeom barks, pushing the other. “Omg you’re gunna take  _ my  _ closet too.” 

“Am not!” 

“At least I’m not like  _ him,”  _ he suspects Bambam is talking about his roommate. “Can you believe this hyung? He never let’s me sleep in peace, playing his shows out loud! And laughs out loud with it! Who does that by themselves?” 

Youngjae knows all too well, but he nods, “That sucks. Did you report him?” 

“No…” and suddenly Bambam looks meek.

Yugyeom pipes in, “He’s too scared of being an asshole. So he just stays in my room. But yeah, Bam just request a room change! You already live with me so might as well have comfort in being officially my roommate.” 

As they discuss, Youngjae wonders if would’ve been different if he too changed roommates back in freshman year. But it would’ve been random and in the more expensive dorms. Everyone knew he could barely afford living in the shit hole they already were in. But thank god he met Jimin. 

“If you move in with me,” Youngjae tunes back in as Yugyeom chatters, “Then Youngjae-hyung can come visit us! We can have dinner together or something!”

“You do know Youngjae-hyung has an apartment, right?” Bambam laughs, “We could just go there.” 

Yugyeom looks like a fish out of water as he gapes and the older laughs, “Yeah sure. I’ll just have to ask my roommate whenever you guys come over.” 

The two start discussing enthusiastically about what to do with their Youngjae-hyung and he checks out again. It feels weird being the older one, but the two are nice to hang around and he doesn’t feel like a third wheel. Suddenly he realizes he could be what Jinyoung and Jackson were to him and smiles. 

He likes Bambam and Yugyeom. Deciding over soggy cereal he would help them out however he can. 

*

Youngjae just knows it’s 3am again. Because of the screaming. 

He thought maybe he’d get used to it, but the sticky cold claws that grip his chest as he’s scared to even draw another breath still surprises him. It’s hard to keep calm as his senses go haywire and the god awful  _ screaming  _ won’t stop. 

Piercing through his ears, through his head, and trembling his heart; it’s just sleep paralysis he tells himself. But why is he getting it? 

Stress, lack of sleep, fear,  _ the voice in my head that tells me how pathetic I am.  _

_ You are _

_ stop trying to beg for sympathy, everyone goes through this.  _

He feels something weigh onto his chest hard, and it’s a new feeling. It makes him scared as another pump of fear rushes through his blood. He’s cold, the screaming hasn’t stopped and all he can do is endure it and hope he never opens his eyes to meet his adversary. 

This time it takes even longer than usual, but eventually the screams fade and the weight lifts. He sucks in desperate breathes, air warmer than his clammy fingers that clutched his palms too tight it hurts to uncurl them. 

He wishes he didn’t have this. He wishes he can hug someone right now, to bring back some sort of warmth into his life, and tell the shithead demon messing with him to just fuck right off. 

Shoving his earbuds in when he works up enough nerves to open his eyes and get them, he can’t choose a song to calm himself. In the end he settles with some random night playlist and tries to count his blessings. Anything to get his poisoned mind to stop berating himself and give him some peace for once. 

But in the end, his mind wanders and he finds himself hating the fact that he’s weak. 

_ Can’t you do anything right? Why don’t you try harder.  _

_ You’re so lazy. You like sleeping? Laying down? You don’t deserve it.  _

_ Everyone works harder than you, you think you deserve a break? _

_ Talent is earned, talent is passion. You have nothing. You think just your work is good enough? Then it’ll never be the best.  _

_ Good enough isn’t enough.  _

_ You’re easily replaceable.  _

_ Do you even want to be here?  _

*

It comes out of nowhere. It’s the start of October and everyone’s settled into school. People start ditching so classes are more empty and parties pop up everywhere with excited freshman puking in lawns. Jinyoung calls it nasty season and since then Youngjae can’t get it out of his head. 

In a burst of impulsive behavior, he decided to join marching band alongside concert band. His evenings are filled with practicing the snare and carrying the heavy thing around as he brushes up on marching. Being the last one to join put strain on his schedule as the drum pad he borrowed now is in use every second, but surprisingly he’s picking it up faster than he thought. It’s a lot of fun, stress, but Youngjae’s glad to have something for himself. 

Piano and music classes always had either Jaebum-hyung or Yoongi-hyung looming over him to follow. Singing too, since the two are also great at that; Jimin at karaoke makes him question how he ever thought he was a good singer. He loved all these things, maybe too much as sees his flaws in other’s perfections. 

But because he put his time into the snare, he forgets everything else and art history alongside stats are even harder to put his heart in than before. Now he has something to put his mind into, distracting him completely. At least he’s enjoying himself. 

He said that last night to himself as he fell asleep. Today, not so much.

“Where  _ is  _ it?!” Youngjae frantically looks through his bag. He’s lost about ten pounds since he started marching and it’s definitely showing. 

Jimin looks at him worriedly, “What’s wrong?” He’s eating an acai bowl and offered Youngjae the bananas earlier. He declined. 

“I can’t find my stats homework,” Youngjae sweats. He thought he had the paper he wrote the homework on so he can complete it while on his break but it’s not in his folder. The paper he thought he wrote it on is in, but it’s last week’s assignment. “Oh no, I think I didn’t write it down.” 

Taehyung drops his spoon, “Have you checked online?” 

“No the professor doesn’t use the online portal,” adding to his torture, of course his professor doesn’t do the one thing that helps students like him out; using the online student portal. It’s just blank on there. “I’m fucked.” 

Jimin pouts, but his face lights up as he snaps. “Why don’t you text that guy?” 

“What guy?” 

“The guy that makes you all smiley,” Jimin turns to Taehyung. “He’s been texting someone and always gets embarrassed at the texts.” 

“Aw,” Taehyung looks at him with a gooey smile from his smoothie. 

“ _ No I do not, _ ” Youngjae heats up, scowling at the both of them as they laugh. “I will text him, but not because of  _ that _ . He’s in my stats class and we help each other on homework. 

“On homework,” Taehyung air quotes and Jimin laughs some more. 

_ hey forgot the homework. can u send me a pic of the assignemnt? _

_ ya i could just meet u rn. u can just copy mine _

_ fr? that’d save me, thx _

_ nbd wya _

_ su next to the couches, near the smoothie place  _

_ k eta 10 min _

“Look, he’s all smiley now.”

Youngjae looks up at Jimin’s voice, the two of them on their elbows with their heads in their hands. He scowls immediately, not noticing how he was  _ all smiley _ as he said. In his haste, he forgot he was with them and just gave away his location to Mark… while he was with Taehyung and Jimin. 

“Oh no,” he realizes his mistake as Jimin smirks more. “Don’t give me that face.” 

“Did he give you the homework?” Taehyung at least has enough self control to look concerned.

“Y-yeah,” Youngjae shakes his head. “He’s coming here so I can copy.” 

“ _ Oooh, _ ” Jimin latches onto the new information. “We’ll get to meet mystery boy.” 

Taehyung breaks into a big grin, “Omg Young Chicky! That’s great!” 

“ _ Please  _ don’t embarrass me,” is all Youngjae could plea to them. “He gives me free answers, I need that.” 

Maybe it was the exhaustion or not having a proper meal yet, but it’s all too soon that Youngjae sees the person he just texted down the brightly lit walkway of the student union. The large glass windows that cover the entire wall let in an absurd amount of sunlight to light the entire place, but suddenly it makes Youngjae’s eyes see things. He’s never seen Mark during the day since stats is in the evening. 

The blond that Mark dyed his hair recently is glowing, time slowing down as he connects eyes with Youngjae and bursts into a grin. Youngjae’s heart stops for a second, suddenly remembering he has a crush on the guy for a reason or whatever; it can’t be important since he’s walking towards them with a hurry in his step and suddenly Youngjae’s sweaty. 

“Oh it’s bad,” Jimin laughs at him, “Look he froze.” 

“Sh!” Youngjae snapped back into reality. He was gunna say more but it was too late. 

“Hey Youngjae!” Mark stepped to their table, pulling a chair next to him as he sits down. “Lunch?” 

Youngjae’s brain really can’t keep up. He can’t believe he’s with Mark during a different part of the day and especially with Jimin smiling at him with smug look. “Yeah,” he stupidly supplies. “Are you sure it’s ok to copy?” 

“Yeah, it’s just one assignment,” Mark goes to grab his papers. “I mean, I can’t help you cheat on the midterm.” 

He pales at the mention of midterms. Being so stuck up in marching band narrowed his priorities. “Don’t say that cursed word,” Youngjae shakes his head. Grabbing Mark’s homework, he starts copying half the answers so he can fill in the others later and gamble if he can solve them. 

Mark laughs, turning his attention to Youngjae’s friends and he feels nervous suddenly. Jimin’s still keeping his chin up, smiling but he knows that look. He’s  _ judging _ every move Mark makes, evaluating and all. 

“Hey! I’m Mark,” he waves at the two. “I take it you guys are Youngjae’s friends?”

“Yeah,” Taehyung supplies his name, smiling innocently but Youngjae has a feeling he’s doing exactly what Jimin’s doing. 

“Jimin.” when it comes to his turn, “So you’re Youngjae’s mysterious pen pal.” 

“You can call me that. We agreed to help each other out in this class, it’s a real soul sucker,” Mark laughs as something lights in his eyes. “Wait, you’re Park Jimin?” 

“There’s a lot of Park Jimins out there,” he laughs. Youngjae rolls his eyes, suddenly feeling small. Of course Mark knows of  _ Park Jimin.  _

“Are you in a dance club?”

“Yeah?” 

“Oh!” Mark’s whole face lights up in recognition, Youngjae feels a little darker. “My younger friends talk about you  _ all  _ the time! You’re that mad dancer!” 

“Mad?” Jimin blinks, furrowing his brows and Youngjae stops again.  _ Oh my god _

“Mad, like, super good,” Mark clarifies, laughing. “My friends are first years who joined your club. One of them,” he pauses, humming. “Yeah, he really admires you. Apparently he tried so hard the first try out? Some of the other members are giving him shit for it or something, but he was trying to impress you.”

Jimin’s whole face becomes blank, opening and closing his mouth. Taehyung laughs at him, “No way! Jimin’s been complaining about some freshman for like months now!” 

“Have not,” Jimin’s red, and Youngjae blinks.  _ Oh _

“Oh?” he says out loud, his face breaking into a shit eating grin. “Who’s this first year, Mark?” 

“He’s Jungkook. I know him because he’s friends with Bambam.” 

Youngjae’s turn to blink, turning blank “You know Bambam?” 

“Y-yeah,” Mark clears his throat and suddenly looks like he let the cat out of the bag. “We met because we’re both international students.” 

Suddenly everything clicks, how Mark is older but is here and what not. Confused over certain words.. Slow… 

Youngjae feels like he’s let too much of himself show. Bambam knows Mark? He’s talked about Mark to him before, not naming him but he has said things like how he’s good looking or whatever. He can’t bring up what exactly he said and that thought scares him.  _ They know each other  _ his mind supplies.  _ They talk about you _

_ Mark looked guilty. Oh they definitely talk shit about you, who doesn’t?  _

“Oh,” he says again, continuing to copy the homework. Not adding anything else. 

But Jimin catches him, because what doesn’t he catch? He’s known him for three years now. “Isn’t Bambam your student in piano, Youngjae? He’s really bright for a first year.” 

“Mhmm,” Youngjae stops writing. He looks up and is surprised to find Mark’s entire attention focused on him. “Bambam’s really something, but he’s also a hard worker. Him and Yugyeom are a menace, but I’ve never met Jungkook.” 

“He’s a menace too,” Mark rolls his eyes. “The three of them together are just a disaster waiting to happen.”

“Jungkook,” Taehyung repeats and Jimin flinches. Youngjae connects the dots quickly, sometimes he wishes he wasn’t so intuitive with these sorts of things. “He’s  _ that  _ freshman.” 

“Yes but-” Jimin starts but never finishes as Taehyung starts laughing. 

“Oh my god! Mark, you’ve got to bring them to the Halloween party!” he excitedly bounces while the poor dancer among them is trying to stop him. “It’s Jimin’s birthday soon, and everyone decided to celebrate it during the halloween party as a huge bang during midterms. Bring Jungkook and the other little guys! We definitely need Jungkook there.” 

“Stop!” Jimin cries but the rest of them laugh. 

Mark blinks and Youngjae realizes he’s out of the loop. Suddenly looking like he’s missed something, so Youngjae helps him out “It’ll be the last weekend of October. At an alumni’s house. I guess you guys are definitely on the bouncer’s list now.” 

“All of us?” Mark is really cute blank faced and unsure about what exactly just happened but Jimin’s still hitting Taehyung and Youngjae’s giving him party details. 

“Yeah, it’s a big party since it’s like the art clubs collab celebration. It kind of merged to one since last year’s presidents all knew each other. Come in costume,” Youngjae laughs. “It’ll be a long night and definitely something for the first years to talk about.” 

_ And people like you guys are probably way better company than I am _

“Ok,” Mark fishes out his phone to put it in his calendar. “Are you going Youngjae?”

“M-me?” Youngjae’s pencil skids and he has a long line on his paper. 

Mark hands him an eraser, so quickly he didn’t even process he needed one. “Yes, you.” 

“You, Young chicky!” Taehyung giggles currently in a choke hold by Jimin. 

“I’m gunna  _ kill  _ you,” Jimin seers on the other side of the table. 

“I haven’t decided yet,” Youngjae thanks him for the eraser, ignoring everything his two friends are doing. 

Jinyoung and Jackson will definitely be going because Jaebum, Namjoon and Yoongi are attending for laughs, probably will break away from the main fray to end up in Taehyung’s shared house for their own smaller party. Hoseok probably coming with Jimin and Taehyung… 

Youngjae? 

“Youngjae?” 

He shakes out of it, looking at Mark again. He’s got that patient smile on, back lit by the sunlight. Big windows behind him all white, over exposing him and making Youngjae squint to look at him. 

_ He’s like literally out of my league.  _

“I don’t really do parties,” he decides to say. Unsure of himself with the turning in his stomach. 

“Oh.” 

“He’s going.” 

Suddenly Taehyung and Jimin are standing up, their tussle over and readying for physics together. The taller is still laughing but Jimin is glaring at him. “Youngjae’s definitely going. As we’re brothers, we go together.” 

Youngjae rolls his eyes, “Me? I thought Taehyung was your soulmate?”

“Soulmate, Youngjae.” Jimin says as if it’s common knowledge. “And you’re my brother, so you’re going. You can’t leave your brother alone!”

“You’re with Taehyung and Hoseok.” 

“ _ Brothers _ Youngjae.” 

And with that, they leave. Waving goodbye and a “Hope to see you soon Mark!” making Youngjae blush because he knows exactly what Jimin is gunna say when he gets home tonight. 

“Are you really not going?” Mark asks again. “If you really don’t like parties, you don’t have to.” 

Youngjae blinks, “Do  _ you  _ even like parties?” it came out a bitter and not the way he wanted, but now he has to live with himself saying it. 

“To an extent. I went to a lot my first year, but now I kinda just go to my friends’ place and hang out.” 

Youngjae nods hoping he can erase his previous tone, “Yeah, it’s not like I don’t like parties. I just,” he waves his hands around, already done with the copying. “I don’t like crowds.” 

Mark smiles at him, about to say something but Youngjae feels like he spoke too much. Like he annoyed him too much. 

“Thank you for the homework, by the way,” Youngjae all but shoves the paper back at him, not meeting Mark’s eyes. “I’ve got to go practice.” 

“For marching band?” 

He perks up, making the mistake of looking at Mark even though he just was trying not to look at him and curses. “How’d you know?”

“Bambam told me you joined marching band, and you go practice even after our stats class,” Mark is still smiling and its just so bright in his eyes. “You must be tired.” 

He reaches up and brushes Youngjae’s bangs aside. They’ve never been this long before and Youngjae’s frozen by Mark’s actions. 

“You have some bad dark circles…” 

And that’s enough to snap Youngjae back into sense. He slaps Mark’s hand away, too hard and immediately feels guilty but his face is heating up and he desperately can’t hang out with Mark without Jimin around to embarrass him because he’s doing all the work himself. 

_ You have a crush on him.  _

_ You just hit him.  _

_ He hates you _

_ Mark thinks you’re ugly. You have really bad dark circles _

_ You’re not beautiful enough. _

_ It’s not the same level.  _

_ stop.  _

“Sorry Youngjae,” he hears, but Youngjae just quickly packs up. 

“I’ll see you in stats,” he mutters quickly, leaving the table in a mess as he trips and adds to his flustered state. He feels eyes all over him, from everyone in the student union. Suddenly his breaths are too heavy, he’s dressed funny, his steps are off. 

_ You like him.  _

_ He’s too good for you.  _

Youngjae runs out of the building. 

***

Extra

Youngjae flings his birthday present over the bunk, onto Jimin’s bed. It’s perfectly wrapped and he’s very proud of following that one youtube tutorial on how to tie a christmas bow. 

Today’s October 13th, aka Jimin’s birthday. Taehyung and his friends brought him out for a birthday bash with their closest friends that Youngjae politely declined. He feels insanely left out when with Jimin’s group of friends. They’re so close, as if they’re family and it’s exactly what Youngjae desperately wants. So he stays away when Jimin hangs with them. He’s ok with just being his roommate, a casual friend. 

“I’m back!” Jimin cries, half sober and definitely dropped off by one of his hyungs. “Youngjaeie!” 

“Yes?” Youngjae feels a whole body flop down onto him in the bottom bunk. He groans and complains at Jimin, who only laughs and hugs him. 

“Youngjae, don’t you have anything to say to me?”

“Happy birthday Jimin,” Youngjae rolls his eyes, like he hadn’t said it all day already. There’s a fat red circle on their calendar in the kitchen, courtesy of Jimin, that says [SAY HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME]. 

“Thank you Youngjae.” 

Jimin’s starting to fall asleep when Youngjae pushes him off. “Wake up and take a shower. You stink.” 

“Ugh,” Jimin scowls. “I take my thank you back.” 

“Yeah yeah just clean yourself up before you hate yourself in the morning.” 

Jimin picks himself up and pads over to the bathroom, grumbling as he sobers up. Youngjae laughs at him, looking at his own bed. On the wall is a card from Jinyoung and Jackson he put up, sweet words on the inside. Below it is a generic bear doll from Jaebum-hyung. 

His birthday was a some weeks ago, in the slew of parties and school. Youngjae had a small dinner out with his friends to celebrate. Jimin gave him the “special treatment” which was the next day lunch and dinner, his treat. There’s a new phone ring on the back of his phone and Youngjae uses it everyday, thankfully. 

But his time is over. It passed by with little fanfare and back into school. He hopes that Jimin had a fun night with his hyungs, because he’s gunna have another one at the halloween party. Everyone uses the halloween party as an excuse to throw and even bigger Jimin party. The costumes he kinda hates but it adds that  _ Jimin  _ charm. 

Makes him a dark jealous feeling in his heart, but Youngjae pushes it aside. 

This is Jimin’s birthday. 

It’s not about him. 

“Omg what is this?!” 

Apparently enough time has passed in Youngjae’s torment and Jimin’s already back in his bed looking at Youngjae’s present. 

“Open it an find out.”

“What do you think I’m doing?” 

Youngjae hears frantic tearing and then a short yell cut off by Jimin realizing how late into the night it is. 

“Ahh I love it Youngjae!” 

“Yeah I know.”

“Ah shut  _ up. _ Thank you!!” Jimin pokes his head down from the upper bunk, moving Youngjae’s hoodie hiding him away. “Thank you Youngjae. Love you.” 

“You’re welcome, Jimin,” Youngjae smiles as Jimin blows him a kiss and returns to his bunk. 

Youngjae gets sleep paralysis that night and cries to himself until he falls back asleep as the sun comes up. 

_ It’s not about you.  _

**Author's Note:**

> Twitter @voiceofmoons


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